2010

pst

tue
jan
19

I made an interesting discovery. Isma has been ignoring me for a week, and in her place, I've been nurturing a little slice of heaven inside myself, that she helped me discover. It's not attached to anything, that's what's weird. It's simply a collection of neuronal circuits which are closely affiliated with pleasure, with sensations in my belly, throat, chest, and especially the cap of my penis. And they're not attached to anything.

So I've simply been feeding this nascent "being body" with almost continuous impressions of outside physical reality. "It" is interested in shapes, for some reason. It picks up an impression of the silhouette of a leg and hip, for instance, or the gesture of a hand. It's not all that interested in faces, which I find refreshing. It doesn't seem interested in becoming attached to anything, either, which I find especially refreshing.

Then Isma knocked on my door this evening, after an absence of about a week. "I haven't seen you in a month!" I cried out. "It's been a week," she wryly admitted, going on to ask me which was larger, 2.3, or 2.19. I told her which it was, and told her how to envision it as well, noticing her face, how refreshing it is. It's nice when someone likes you, and comes back to see you. What I discovered is, No one can actually break up with you if you never actually start anything. No one can sever a relationship with you if you avoid entanglements from the outset. Then you can use your otherwise normal day-to-day experiences to become attached to something altogether unexpected: a little slice of heaven.

pm
11:25

Last Night: (Dream) I've given the kids next door a pound of fudge, and for some reason Riphat has taken it away from them! As she's getting into her black limousine, I demand to know what she's done with the fudge! "It belongs to the kids!" I tell her (Fin) waking up to the sound of the tenant in the upstairs flat having a tantrum because his mother threw away some of his magazines. I listened to his screaming for a while, then got up, did the morning exercise, and cooked up some breakfast.

After a few moments on the computer, I hooked back up with my slice of heaven, made real and subtle efforts to strengthen the connection, and all the while, upstairs, the guy screamed like a banshee.

It has everything to do with rhythms of your breath -- when you choose to hold your breath, when you decide to release it. You let sexual energy drop down from your optic nerve, bypassing your Adam's apple, to bathe your lungs ... a music of your own making.

11:36

Two Nights Ago: (Dream) The first time I see the person in the window across the way, I'm not sure what to think. They're thin, I can see that, and I'm beginning to get the layout of their place. There are windows on both sides of my corner room, lots of trees out there. Then I see them outside, down in the canopy of trees, and see it's a girl! I track her as she goes back up to her place, then when I see her in the window again, make sure the shades are drawn in all directions but hers, step back in the bright lights of my apartment, and begin to get undressed. (Fin)

11:40

Three Nights Ago: (Dream) My girlfriend and I are fooling around in the front seat of my taxicab, and the night driver leaves us two dollar bills, folded together, which is our tipping custom. Except I quickly notice one of the bills is a ten, and the other a one. I'm about to point this out to my girlfriend, to show her something, then listen to a quieter voice inside myself and decide not to mention it. I take both bills and don't offer either of them to her. (Fin)

(Dream) The little bears are tame enough now, you just have to know when to call it quits. I signal to our camera crew this is probably the best time to withdraw quietly, and slowly turn my own camera to show our two leading actors heading on back along the trail, then quietly fold up my own gear and head out after them, making sure not to make any sudden moves as one of the bear cubs rolls around as if about to take a nap. Almost to the fence, I turn around and see the cub stand up at full alert, as if to show us it's not really asleep to the situation at all. (Fin)

(Dream) I'm toying with my Programmer's Pocket Calculator, and at a certain point enter one too many backspace keystrokes, inadvertently clearing the whole display. I remember one of the keys will restore the LastX register, but which one? (Fin)

11:42

Four Nights Ago: (Dream) The truck I'm in slowly backs out of its parking space in a tight U, and when I reach my horse, realize it's smarter than I ever imagined. "Go find your saddle!" I quietly ask it, and it goes over to a corral and noses one saddle in particular. (Fin)

(Dream) When I carefully lower the ladder off the edge of the cliff, I see it's more a slope than a cliff. Something's covering Cecile and me -- It's a white painter's tarp -- and realizing we're alone together next to the ladder, begin playing with her bare nipples. It's extremely erotic here underneath everything. (Fin)

11:49

Five Nights Ago: (Dream) Roughly twenty-five little girls, naked from the waist up, are standing in front of me. I turn away and find myself in St. Louis, with a lot of packing to do. Everything in my room has to be boxed up for the move, and Mom's on my case. I still won't do anything! With less than twenty hours to go before my flight, I go back upstairs to my room and discover everything gone! Somebody's already packed it all up, and I didn't have to lift a finger. Now I have two hours before the flight, and a sleazy Mideastern shopkeeper, with a silent partner standing slightly behind him, wants me to just "Sign a few forms!" There are quite a few nameless girls I'm mulling over, wondering why, exactly, they're nameless. They have something to do with some theater. I look over the paperwork, and as is my lifelong habit, just keep putting it off. (Fin)

11:53

Six Nights Ago: (Dream) The passenger train has pulled left around the corner, just beyond the platform. Beverly is in there, I know. Suddenly a placard goes up, something about Watch out! -- I guess for the freight train that's bound to come along. Sure enough, the freight train roars by, busts through Beverly's placard, shoots around the corner and crashes! (Fin)

(Dream) I'm at the gatehouse at work, and there's a line of taxicabs and cars behind me. Never mind! First off, I want to see if Mark has any possibility of making change for a fifty. The trouble is, I'm trying to sort out whether to pay him with dollar bills, and also get change for the fifty, or to just give him the fifty and let him make change. Damn! Some of my dollar bills are stuck together with chewing gum, and I'm having trouble driving up the booth with my knees and sorting out this bill situation. He takes the fifty and goes about making change for a hundred. When I get beyond the booth, I know I have to go back and sort this out. (Fin)

11:56

"Hi!" I said to my slice of heaven a few days ago, "... and what would you like to see today? What would you like to do today? What would you like to hear today?" ... And sang to it!

I didn't have to sing much. I have a beautiful voice.

11:58