2010

pdt

sat
apr
3

I'm lucky in a way. When my mold was made, clearly someone was attacking me, and as I approach an understanding of that time in my childhood, it's being made obvious by people in the here-and-present who attack me in what is undoubtedly the same way.

There's a waiter in the city who's been "playing" me, trying to get me to cry out, "Ahora!" when I see him. I had no idea what he was up to for some weeks and finally realized I might as well ask people in my taxicab what, exactly, "Ahora!" means. Now that I know, I obviously wish to rid my mind of this two-week training which comes up whenever I walk into that restaurant, and discovered I could rid my mind of anything at all by running energy up the center of my spine. It's literally like flushing the toilet of my mind! It totally empties it of any unwanted thought or unpleasant feeling, leaving my mind clear, like a lens. I had no idea.

Meanwhile, the fellow upstairs has been on a rampage for a few days simply because someone broke into his van and stole his "stuff." When I say, rampage, I'm not kidding. The police and ambulance came after he injured himself on the stair banister which he was trying to kick down or something. I don't know. I wasn't here. For some reason he blames me for all this and so whenever he gets the chance, he jumps up and down on the floor above, making the house shake as if it's in an earthquake. The landlord and his family are fleeing to Disneyland, they told me this afternoon, though not before they taught me the Urdu word for "pig," which is "Soor!" and when the going really gets tough upstairs, I run streams of energy up the right side of my spine up through the ceiling at the soor, and into its torso. This always brings him to a stop, though I have to use a lot of energy.

Otherwise, in the rest of my life, aside from running energy up the center of my spine to flush my own brain, running energy up the right side of my spine to quell a violent neighbor's outbursts, I've reached the conclusion the less I do in the outside physical world, the better. I'm using all of my resources to not do anything, to not start anything, to not expect anything, and to simply notice what happens. So there I was at Joe's Ice-cream in the city, having a Polish and cup of soup, with no one at the counter besides myself, when a twelve- or thirteen-year-old girl suddenly landed on the stool beside me. She could have sat anywhere else in the whole establishment, and for some reason decided to pop onto the stool just to my left. They say karma sneaks up from behind.

I ran energy up the left side of my spine, and after a short while, the two of us struck up a conversation about current movies, while she waited for her chili cheese dog to go.

pm
10:22

Last Night: (Dream) I spend quite some time preparing the cup of coffee for my friend. We're at a party. The cup is shallow, and the concoction I'm making is more like mocha than coffee, when you get right down to it. I even add a leaf of mint! Then when I take it out to him, everyone wants a cup! This will probably be a good opportunity for me to make use of the little girl who's been shadowing me. "Let's find out how many want hot chocolate, and how many want black coffee," I tell her. We go into the main ballroom and ask for a show of hands for each, and the girl scrawls the numbers down on the wall. Then we go out onto the huge convention porch and ask the same two questions, with my friend scrawling down the totals. The two of us put the numbers together and find roughly sixty people want hot chocolate and the remaining forty-one or so want coffee. We don't have nearly enough supplies on hand, so the girl and I decide to make a run to the grocery store where we can pick up tins of hot chocolate mix and cans of coffee. "Maybe some milk," I suggest to her, "and some sugar." I tell her I'm going to go on ahead back to our beach house at Wrightsville Beach, to start things going. "Do you have enough money to pay for all this?" I ask her, and leave her my credit card, just in case. I make sure to cross South Lumina Boulevard carefully, and see the bus has dropped me off two blocks shy of our house. I can see it two blocks ahead. I discover Juan Carlos in the kitchen, which looks more like a disaster area than a kitchen after that huge party. There are literally twenty or twenty-five used pots and kettles strewn about, and Carlos keeps asking me the most mundane questions! "How many years do you think you've been working on this?" he continues, as I begin to become frantic with the dawning realization, not only are there no clean containers to boil the water for the promised hot chocolate and coffee for over a hundred people, Carlos isn't even the slightest bit aware of what I'm trying to do. "Are you going to help me?" I ask him as he continues peppering me with nonsensical trivial questions. Then the magnitude of the problem hits me: I can't begin to boil enough water for a hundred cups of hot drinks even if I had a pot to cook in! "YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HELP ME, ARE YOU?" I scream at Carlos. (Fin)

March 30 (Dream) Joan Emerson's sailboat is still up on the pier in storage, and a bunch of us have assembled to put it back together for the spring racing season. A new painter goes on, gets knotted securely, the mast goes up, and while this is going on, I step back to watch. This doesn't stop anyone, and in no time at all, the boat is launched into the sound, even though it's dark out. (Fin)

(Dream) When I come back into the hotel porch dining room, Whitney's things are in paper cups and on paper plates. It's no trouble at all to shift her food over to heated china cups and plates, which I do just before she comes back. There's a fine line between my setting things straight, I can see, and actually interfering with people. (Fin)

March 28 (Dream) I'm in a comic book store up on a second level of the mall. It's the really good one! There's incredible art hanging all over the place, the original drawings, and a woman in charge. This must be the Museum of Comic Book Art I heard about. I leaf through various stands at various displays looking for erotica and finally take a rest. I'm sitting on a side chair when a well-dressed man approaches me and says, "See me!" Without hesitation I say, "Not ever! – Never!" and he staggers away. (Fin) Waking up, I'm a little ashamed at the vehemence of my rejecting the guy in my dream, and begin to fully remember the way I was molested as a child, being spooned by some guy, and penetrated from the rear. Still, just because I was sexualized at the age of two doesn't mean I have to reject everybody.

March 27 (Dream) I'm with David Daniels and Mark Z., and after we park our cars, I catch up with them down below the freeway loops. Except then we decide to call it a day. So all I have to do is find my car; otherwise it'll be towed come morning. I go up on a garage balcony and as I'm walking by a couple in close conversation near a railing, smell Patti G. – I look to see if it really is her, and can't tell. I don't think so. It's still too dark. Someone is telling me if you tell someone things in Spanish or another foreign language, there are codes everyone uses. For instance, she's telling me, "If you say it's Manuel you have to talk to, or that Manuel says you have to do such-and-such, there's no such thing. There's no such thing as 'Manuel.'" I still can't find my car, except now I see it. (Fin)

March 26 (Dream) When I arrive at the Florida picnic, no one's around except a seventeen-year-old girl, and when I see that, write that line in red. No underage girl is even coming close to making out with me. So I'm alone at the wooden picnic table, with other people out of sight. A big parrot comes straight at me, pretending it's a hummingbird, and I ignore it. A tiny little sparrow alights on my table and scurries over with a little food in its mouth, as if it's feeding me! There are other birds, I realize, and shoo it away. (Fin)

March 25 (Dream) Approaching the intersection at the hotel, a whole clump of people come towards my taxicab and I single out the two women with luggage. The three of us stand beside my taxi as one of the women tells me she'd like to go to the Mickey and Goofy Cartoon Museum, and demands to know if I know where it is. I'm not so sure, really, I think it's on Mission Street somehow, and that doesn't satisfy her. Simultaneously, I'm tossing her bags into the back section from the back door of the cab and am slightly distressed to see something white flying out of it, over the edge into the back. Things are moving too fast, though. I just manage to clamber back into the driver's seat to discover the taxicab already plunging off the hill at Mason and California. I put everything onto the brake pedal, knowing the whole while it's too late. We're definitely going to crash, and ahead of me, see the white china plate smashed to smithereens. (Fin)

March 22 (Dream) I'm with a guy, we're on some kind of journey, and when we get to the head shop, immediately realize what's going on. "If we buy any of this stuff," I tell him, we'll be liable for prosecution. He won't listen, and proceeds to buy a bong, or something like that. Well, I've seen it all before, and beat a hasty retreat into the mall. The woman I'm with has a sore on her cheek, and when I examine it, see that blemishes are simply manifestations of hatred. I don't even bother telling her this, and dab a little medicine on it. When I get to my room, I'm all alone, and intend to perform an experiment. The hardwood floor is exquisite. I stand in the middle of the room and pee on the floor, just to see what will happen. At first the pee stays collected in one spot, then begins to roll across the floor in the beginning of a tidal wave. Okay! So I throw a mattress down on it, and just manage to catch and absorb the pee before it reaches the wall. Okay, so now someone's going to have this soaked mattress to deal with. There's a closet that looks like a connector to the next room, and I go in there to look for anything at all that will help. I think the main thing that will help is for me to get the hell back to my own room, before the guy gets back. (Fin)

10:35