Richard Ames Hart & Amoret Phillips

Moon Fooling

 
 
 
 

Excerpt from LetsCallThis.com

 
 
 

Amozoo.com

Amoret's online

studio

 

 

 

T U B L E.com Richard & Amoret's online coloring book for kids

 

Two days ago I picked up a three-hundred-pound man and a much slimmer lady companion at Scoma's at the Wharf, both from New Jersey, and on our way to the Hyatt Regency the woman and I began talking about our experiences tasting terrible martinis.

Well, that was enough to make a bond. Soon, I was describing to her how a friend of mine, a chef who had grown up in the French countryside, and who now owned a restaurant over in Berkeley, near where I live not far from the railroad tracks, had taught me about martinis from heaven.

"What you do," I told my passenger, "is ask the bartender for 'a Junipero, in-and-out, up, extra cold, with an extra olive and a twist.'" Well, I had to explain what all this meant.

 
 

I'm a writer, I told her, and so is my friend, who also worked with Andy Warhol in New York City, and I was so happy she had taken the time to explain all this to me!

Junipero is a kind of gin, I told her, made here on the west coast. Any good gin will do, though. You don't have to say, "Junipero."

Now, "in-and-out" simply means "pour the vermouth into a shaker full of ice, swirl it around a little so it coats the ice, then pour it out!" This simply leaves a residue of the vermouth on the ice, so it's more a flavor in the martini than an actual ingredient.

"Oh, I see, so it's similar to a spice!" my passenger said, fully joining the ride. I love it when I hit it off with a passenger.

Another time I happened to mention to a black lady in my cab I was divorced, that I had married a girl I had known from first grade, who was the daughter of my pediatrician, and now that we were divorced, I had found God!

And the reason I had found God, I told her, was when I realized, We Didn't Have Kids!

And the black woman had said, "You married the daughter of a doctor?" and I said, "Yeah, she was my pediatrician's daughter," and the black woman had said, "That's really something."

Anyway, back to the martini. After I explained, and we had a little back-and-forth about, how "extra cold" means, "now pour the gin into the vermouth-coated ice and leave it there a little longer than usual, so a little of the ice melts into the gin, adding what is called smoothness," and "up" means, "No ice! Pour the martini into a glass without the ice," and "an extra olive with a twist," refers to both two olives and a lemon twist, that some bartenders ignite with a match for a dramatic effect, before adding the singed lemon peel to the martini.

"And don't let them add an onion!" I told her. "That makes it more a salad than a martini!"

"I used to add equal parts vermouth and gin!" she said.

"Me, too!" I told her.

"And they were terrible!"

"Eghtttt!"

Anyway, we were both so happy when we reached the Hyatt Regency, and as we disembarked beneath the carriage entrance, under shelter of the front of the building, the three-hundred-pound man, who had ridden along mostly in silence, said on breakaway, "Your bullshit is extremely good today."

I felt that was kind of an insult.

 
 
 
 
 
 

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Excerpt from Red Hurts

 

"Dreaming of Patty"

 

(Dream) The model train I'm building reaches across most of the Midwest now on its way west, toward California. I gaze out across the plains and add more track. Finally, I'm ready for a test run with my model train, and loading a huge paper sack filled with towels on top, launch my locomotive somewhere near Missouri. It takes off west, and I hurry after it. Somewhere near Colorado I find it stuck way up above on a hill, and I pass one of my friends, David, on my way up to retrieve it. Well, here it is and it's fine. I give it a slight shove, and it takes off down the hill I just climbed, jumping off the end of the tracks and landing harmlessly across a doorway. I find Patty down there and she comes into my room. I'm glad she finally came over, and we laugh and carry on until it's time for her to leave. She goes out ahead of me while the phone is ringing, so I have to come back to answer it, except for some reason, I can't. Then I hear her in the living room saying, "He's not available, so shut the fuck up." When I come into the living room, she's lying on her back on my black leather sofa, with her feet up over the armrest, and I immediately come over and kiss her. Her kiss is so unbelievably real and my arousal so intense, I wake up. (Fin)

 

 

 

 

 

 

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in everyday life 

 

"Your bullshit is extremely good today."
—You're strong.
—I'll send it to you.

 

"You bitch!"
—Who else?

 

"Whatever turns you on."
—Cheating everyone.

 
 

Talifish Studio

 

Colorful pastels of girls without any clothes ...
from a little boy and his dog's secret laboratory.

 

Ugly Poop.net

 

Cisco! Do you see all that money

underneath that rock?

 
 

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